Whether you are the one who has made the decision to end your relationship or are the one on the receiving end of your partner telling you they no longer want to be with you, the ending of a relationship really hurts.

If you are the one who has come to the end of your tether and can’t go on any more, your grieving will have started well before you end the relationship. For your partner, their grieving may not start until after the “ending conversation” and subsequent separating.

Susan Elliott has grouped the usual stages of grieving into 3 phases of grief specifically for when a relationship ends which can help you more easily understand what you are currently going through.

The 3 phases usually don’t follow a straight line though. You will find yourself slipping back and forward between these, and will also probably cycle a few times through them before coming out the other end, by which time you will find you have come to a fuller acceptance of what has happened and have emotionally detached from your ex-partner.

Related article: Ending Your Relationship with Respect and Even a Little Kindness

The most important thing to remember is to be gentle with yourself during this grieving time and give yourself plenty of time to feel all of your feelings, sharing them with a trusted friend, writing about them in a journal, or talking with a psychologist specializing in relationships.

What not to do when your relationship ends

Too many people mistakenly think it’s best to keep themselves busy, by throwing themselves into work, drinking more, shopping till your drop, or any other kind of distraction. But this only prolongs your misery. Emotions not felt and processed stagnate in your system, keeping you tethered to the trauma.

Pain that is not faced and felt, DOES NOT GO AWAY. When the pain grows inside you, your life becomes less trusting, less loving and compassionate, less hopeful, and narrower across the board.

You become afraid of being hurt, you feel less inclined to get close to people, or you could get close for a while, and then get frightened and run away, or you assume the worst in people and start behaving toward them as if it were true, or create arguments that don’t need to be had.

It’s important to go through the stages of grief when a relationship ends so that you’re able to move on.

Stage 1 – Shock and Disbelief
Shock

If you are the one that didn’t see it coming, you can feel like you’ve been punched in the guts and be in shock for quite a while. It can feel like you are now in a void which makes you feel lost and alone with no solid ground.

Sometimes in shock, your mind just wants to shut down and not feel the reality of it all for a while, but soon this lifts and a flush of other emotions emerge.

Sad and devastated

Whether a relationship ends suddenly or is premeditated, there is still an adjustment to the loss for each of you, which leaves you feeling sad, disappointed and devastated.

After all, you have lost all the time, energy and emotion you have put into the relationship. You have lost all your hopes and dreams for a happy shared future together. You are now without your identity as a couple and your ability to do all your usual couple things together, as well as often having lost some mutual friends or family members.

Hurt and rejected

If you are the one that has been left, you will usually feel hurt and rejected, and maybe humiliated and embarrassed, and then sometimes back to numbness again.

Try not to shut down these feelings. Even though they initially feel hard to sit with, once you get started, it becomes easier to be with, and the more you are with them, the shorter time it takes to work through them. Remember to be gentle with yourself while doing this.

Telling yourself the separation is temporary traps you in waiting, blocks grieving, and keeps you stuck, unable to heal.

So, unless you have both explicitly talked about the possibility of reconciliation, it is far safer to proceed with your emotional letting go process.

Stage 2 – Great emotion, review and relinquishment
Devastation

After shock fades, grief and devastation hit hard, especially after betrayal, lies, or abuse. You feel worse than ever.

The pain of heartbreak can come in unpredictable spasms and can feel surreal while you are experiencing it, as you disconnect from everyone else and find even the smallest of tasks difficult.

The intensity of your emotions may feel scary, but this is the normal process of grieving a great loss.

There may be really difficult periods here, but thankfully your grief won’t last forever.

Rumination

It is normal to ruminate about your relationship now; revisiting memories can support understanding and healing, including thoughts of your ex-partner.

Disorganized and confused

You may feel disorganized and confused which is also very normal, and may be unable to sleep, or alternatively sleep too much, and you may also lose your appetite. You may feel mentally scattered and overwhelmed.

At this stage give yourself permission to fall apart. If your memory is suffering, don’t give yourself a hard time about it. Be gentle with yourself. You are grieving and it’s time to be kind to yourself.

Anger and rage

You may also start to feel anger and even rage, and this is very appropriate for you to feel, as something has been taken away from you. It’s very important to know.

Suppressing it is not healthy. I am sure you will know people who are almost always in a bad mood or irritated all the time. This is what happens to those who try to suppress their genuine anger in their life.

Neither is acting out and lashing out a healthy option.

Safely release anger by journaling, talking to a friend or psychologist, hitting a pillow, or privately venting aloud.

Guilt

Guilt is normal in grief. Accept imperfections, learn, and let go; you can’t change the past.

However, if you are realizing that there are things you could have done better, perhaps you could apologies to your ex-partner, which usually helps the healing process for both of you.

Anxiety

Often the feeling of being in a void now that many of your normal supports and structures have disappeared or changed can have you feeling anxious about what may become of you. Where is my safe place? How will I get through this? What will I do next?

You can help manage your anxiety by some self- soothing activities, like creating a sanctuary in your bedroom or lounge using candle light and relaxing music to help settle you, and continue allowing you to feel your feelings, and try and keep open to what new things may now be available to you that you never contemplated before.

It is very true that when one door closes, another one opens. You may not be able to see any other doors just yet but be aware that being in a void does allow you many options for the future.

Ambivalence

It is very normal to have a mixture of any feelings, or even none, at any one time. Don’t worry about going crazy if your feelings are all over the place. Just be kind to yourself and be in allowance of what is there or is not there for you at any particular time.

Pining and searching

When we lose someone, the mind searches for them. You may pine for your ex most when you feel weakest and want to reach out. Resist contacting them at that low point. Instead, journal, write an unsent letter, call a friend, or speak with your psychologist.

Generally

Emotionally, you will have good days and bad days. Some days you won’t feel like getting out of bed, and others you might be strangely detached from everyone. You may start to feel better, then find something will trigger you into another bout of sadness and/or anger.

Be positive

Try as much a humanly possible to find something positive at the end of every day, even if it is reminding yourself that you are one day closer to being healed. So, remember to write a positive note in your journal or share something positive with someone you love.

If you are getting depressed

All of the above emotions are a very natural part of the grieving and healing process and can feel severe and debilitating for days.

However, if you start feeling intense despair, no hope at all, or suicidal thoughts then you may be entering the area of depression and should visit a psychologist for help.

Take mental health days; if functioning declines or depression/suicidal thoughts arise, seek a psychologist immediately. It is okay to ask for help, especially when you are in emotional pain.

Stage 3 – Acceptance, integration and reorganization
Acceptance

Once you have lived through the painful feelings, you will then feel a glimpse of acceptance, and this is a turning point in your healing process.

You’re not happy yet, but you accept reality and begin to find peace. Waves of pain lessen over time.

Integration

Having thoroughly reviewed all of your relationship, and both yours and your partner’s contributions, you are also starting gain a deeper understanding about what really happened and are integrating this new understanding into your life story.

Reorganization

Finally, you reorganize your life, integrating lessons, new values and perspectives, and begin imagining horizons you once overlooked.

This is the stage of major positive changes. After a breakup, pursue new goals, rebuild courage, and seek immediate help for depression or suicidal thoughts.

A new era in your life is beginning that will take you to realms and arenas you couldn’t have dreamed about before you started this process, and you will start to feel deep gratitude for the journey you have been on. It has all been worth it.

Regardless of which phase you may be moving through after the ending of a relationship was / is important to you, here are a few gentle and loving actions to consider including in your days:

Do things that bring a sense of calm, happiness, joy, (healthy) comfort. Examples are: Get into natureMove your bodyListen to your fave tunesFeel the warmth of the sun on your skin; feel the earth under your feet (very grounding)
Eat nourishing food (things that make you feel healthy, alert, well)
Read, watch, listen to material that uplifts you, upskills you
Reach out to people in your support network
Allow emotions to be there (it’s natural and what makes you wonderfully human) and get curious what the emotions may want you to know as part of your healing
Give yourself a lot of permission to heal at your own pace, in your own way and remember that feeling a wide range of motions is normal! Getting support as you move through a breakup

The end of a relationship can feel like your whole world has been turned upside down. Whether you made the decision to leave or had the decision made for you, moving through shock, grief, anger and uncertainty is emotionally exhausting. You are not weak or failing because you are finding this hard. You are human, and you are grieving a very real loss.

You do not have to go through this on your own. Talking with a relationship psychologist can help you make sense of what has happened, calm the emotional overwhelm and gently support you as you rebuild your life. Counselling can also help you notice any patterns from past relationships, so you can make different choices in the future and feel more confident about love and intimacy again.

We work with clients across Australia, with dedicated services in major cities including Sydney, Melbourne, Perth, Canberra, Brisbane, and Adelaide offering support both in-person and online.

Reach out today and start building a stronger foundation for connection and trust.

(Adapted by Julie Hart from Susan Elliott’s book “Getting past your breakup’)